(Dark stage. Man in suit and hat lights a cigarette. Draws back deeply, then throws match into pit next to him. Surveys landscape. Shivers. Peers into pit)
ARTIE: Keep digging
LOUIE (out of sight): You keep digging - it's a fucking shithole down here
ARTIE: Well, you should feel right at home - Louie
LOUIE (head appears above the grave): I resent that, Artie. No need to disparage what you know nothing about. See these hands - I'm from a noble line of gravediggers - that means something, mr smart arse. Craft and respect: the boss understands that
ARTIE: Craft and respect - its fucking dirt! Keep that muck away from me
LOUIE (silence. Louie disappears back into the grave and then reappears):. And its got fucking bones in it.
ARTIE: What! You playing with me, Louie?
LOUIE: Would I do that ? (brings a skull up to the top)
ARTIE: What the fuck. We're supposed to be digging this crap hole for a new stiff.
LOUIE: May I remind you that only one of us is digging.
ARTIE: Jeezus - the boss ain't gonnna like this. Bill's family - he won't want him mixed up with fucking strangers.
LOUIE: May I also remind you that Bill will soon be like this specimen, withering away and beyond conscious care. ( Looks at skull, looks at Artie) Looks a bit like you, Artie. Same deathly pallor
ARTIE: I'm warning you … the doctor said I was fine.
LOUIE: Sure, Artie - but the boss is worried about you
ARTIE: Why
LOUIE: He's a caring man
ARTIE: The boss is a mother fucking maniac, killed his own father - and now gunna do his brother in.
LOUIE: Go figure. Not for us to argue with the gods, Artie. I dig, I keep my head down and I tunnel through the shit - and it was his father in law he killed.
ARTIE: Same thing. Who's gonna tell him about it?
LOUIE: About what?
ARTIE: The other bones, numskull!
LOUIE: Does he have to know? A little secret. Just between you, me and Bill, I reckon. I'm good at keeping secrets, remember Artie?
ARTIE: Yeah, I remember.
LOUIE (examines his handy work): Nice, very nice.
ARTIE: Ah fuck!
LOUIE: Just settle, Artie. You need to be focussed.
ARTIE: I know
LOUIE: Calm, Artie, dead calm
ARTIE: Yeah
LOUIE: A big day
ARTIE: Yeah
LOUIE: You're going places
ARTIE: Yeah
LOUIE: You look pale, Artie, something on your mind
ARTIE: Should there be?
LOUIE: Not unless you've done something you shouldn't have
ARTIE: Louie, I'm gonna smash your rotten face in one of these day. I told you, everything's fine with me and the boss
LOUIE: Good!
ARTIE: Dig some more. You got the gun?
LOUIE: Course I got it. I even loaded it for yah. (hands gun to Artie who puts in in his pocket) What's he think he's coming here for?
ARTIE (smiling): Something to his advantage
LOUIE: Boss must be mighty upset to want to kill him. You sure you got this right?
ARTIE: I'm sure
LOUIE: Nah - I says you don’t knock off a brother - that's family - you send him away
ARTIE: Reckons he knows who knocked off the bullion and reckons to do something about it
LOUIE: Weren't you with Bill on that job?
ARTIE: Yeah, a fucking mess for all concerned. Why?
LOUIE: Nothing. Thought you liked Bill?
ARTIE: Betrayal has a price - even in that family
LOUIE: Suppose it does. Not good though - a brother. Family's family
ARTIE (laughs): You're such a romantic, Louie. Remember what I always told you: business is business! Bill fucked up big time and no one is listening to his excuses - the schmuck had it coming
LOUIE: You're a hard man, Artie - hard words. You ain't killed in a while? You still got the ticker?
ARTIE: I've got the gun (feels his jacket pocket)
LOUIE (smiling): You always were tough with that pistol in your hand, big boy
ARTIE (smiles): So watch your step, punk
LOUIE (laughs): Yes, Sir! So who's taking over Bill's patch when the deed is done?
ARTIE: I might
LOUIE: Boss agreed?
ARTIE: Hinted
LOUIE: Ah!
ARTIE: Ah what?
LOUIE: Ah! You building your dreams on that - not even a promise, Artie. A hint?
ARTIE: What the fuck would you know - all you do is dig in the shit, little man. Your ambition's like your dick: small, Artie ... and it don't stay up long
LOUIE: No need to get personal, Artie. Why you become so nasty?
ARTIE: I got dreams, Louie
LOUIE: Yeah, I remember, you and your 'ruthless dreams' . Somebody else always pays
ARTIE: That was a long time ago
LOUIE: Yeah, I remember. You weren't always so nasty, Artie
ARTIE: Life makes you nasty, Louie, if you want to get on. I told you that a long time ago, remember
LOUIE: I don't remember so long ago, sweetheart
ARTIE: No? Well I remember: you and ambition just don't flow the same ways. Me? I can taste it, Louie, on my lips
LOUIE: Let's hope it don't taste too bitter when you kiss it close up
ARTIE: Ah, you got not understanding ... big thoughts are wasted on you, punk.
LOUIE: Actions, Artie, I deal with actions. And I understand you pretty well, sweetheart. This looks deep enough. I think I’ll lay the old bones in a nice pattern to the side - kinda put a halo round our boy. Very nice
ARTIE: Louie, you ain't preparing some archaeological find. Finished?
LOUIE: Close to - you want to hop in? Bill's about your size
ARTIE: No thank you. You can live in that shit - I'm doing my job and then it's up to you, dirt man
LOUIE: No help with the stiff? You are a precious parcel, Artie. Sure your nerves are up for it
ARTIE: Of course they are. I'm going for the big prize. More of everything. I want it all
LOUIE: You and lover boy moving up town?
ARTIE: Why not?
LOUIE: Ah, but Artie, are you up for it, you with your delicate health - the high life might kill you?
ARTIE: Shut that fucking mouth of yours you sad dwarf or I'll plug you as well
LOUIE: Don't get jumpy, sweetheart. Staying alive is enough vision for me!
(Lights - sound of car pulling up. Lights out - door closing)
ARTIE: Ssh - that's him - stay out of sight until you hear me fire
LOUIE: Ok Artie, you're the man. Good luck
ARTIE: No luck needed, Louie, I'm riding high - no more low level action, no more putting up with smart arse punks like you
LOUIE: Charming! If I don't see you no more, mr high and mighty, I wish you luck. Have a long and fruitful life …. mr big dick!
ARTIE: Ssh - down. Get out the other side. Cover me, just in case.
(slow whistling sound is heard off stage. Torch light follows
Louie pokes his head up from the grave - Artie pushes his head down. Bill saunters in. Tall man in a suit)
BILL: Hello Artie
ARTIE: Hello Bill
BILL: You got something for me
ARTIE: Yeah a message from the Boss
(pulls gun out - pulls trigger - no shot - no ammunition Bill takes out his gun)
ARTIE: What the fuck!
BILL: No bullets, Artie. You always were bad with the background checks. The boss wants you to know that he forgives us both, Artie, but a debt is a debt. I gotta leave - but one last job before I go.
(offstage voice singing - O Sole Mio)
ARTIE: Louie! Louie!
BILL: He can't hear you - he just shovels the shit, remember. Double jeopardy, Artie - you just ain't clever enough for it. We thought we'd get you before the cancer did
ARTIE: What - but I'm cured!
BILL: Nah - doc just told you that
ARTIE: Louie!
BILL: Did you really think you could fool the boss with that turncoat routine. You stitched me up nicely, you bastard!
ARTIE: You! You! You!
BILL: You what?
ARTIE: You fucking double crosser. You said we wouldn't get caught
BILL: Yeah, well, I'm not as smart as I thought, stupid. I get to give the money back - and I get to live
ARTIE: Louie, save me!
BILL: He ain't no use. He might have saved you once, but you turned on him. Broke his heart, Artie
ARTIE: What the fuck.
BILL: Sweet revenge, all round, I reckon. You've got not real time left, Artie. Kinda funny: Death chasing death! So take it like a man
ARTIE: No
BILL: You'll soon be dead, anyway
ARTIE: No
BILL: You die, I live. Simple mathematics. The family keeps its honour. Any shame dies with you. All those big dreams? Dead in the ground. Your time's up, Artie. (goes to pull trigger)
ARTIE: No! No!
BILL: Bye, bye, you stupid bastard.
(Fires and kills Artie - Silence - Bill puts his gun back in his jacket. Coolly survey's the scene. Louie enters slowly - sees Bill - sees the body - they exchange a nod. Bill leaves)
LOUIE: I told you I'd dig a nice grave, sweetheart. Family is family. No more ruthless dreams, Artie. You're gonna be nice and warm
(Louie - pulls Artie along by his feet towards the grave)
LOUIE: In my heart forever
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ARTIE: Keep digging
LOUIE (out of sight): You keep digging - it's a fucking shithole down here
ARTIE: Well, you should feel right at home - Louie
LOUIE (head appears above the grave): I resent that, Artie. No need to disparage what you know nothing about. See these hands - I'm from a noble line of gravediggers - that means something, mr smart arse. Craft and respect: the boss understands that
ARTIE: Craft and respect - its fucking dirt! Keep that muck away from me
LOUIE (silence. Louie disappears back into the grave and then reappears):. And its got fucking bones in it.
ARTIE: What! You playing with me, Louie?
LOUIE: Would I do that ? (brings a skull up to the top)
ARTIE: What the fuck. We're supposed to be digging this crap hole for a new stiff.
LOUIE: May I remind you that only one of us is digging.
ARTIE: Jeezus - the boss ain't gonnna like this. Bill's family - he won't want him mixed up with fucking strangers.
LOUIE: May I also remind you that Bill will soon be like this specimen, withering away and beyond conscious care. ( Looks at skull, looks at Artie) Looks a bit like you, Artie. Same deathly pallor
ARTIE: I'm warning you … the doctor said I was fine.
LOUIE: Sure, Artie - but the boss is worried about you
ARTIE: Why
LOUIE: He's a caring man
ARTIE: The boss is a mother fucking maniac, killed his own father - and now gunna do his brother in.
LOUIE: Go figure. Not for us to argue with the gods, Artie. I dig, I keep my head down and I tunnel through the shit - and it was his father in law he killed.
ARTIE: Same thing. Who's gonna tell him about it?
LOUIE: About what?
ARTIE: The other bones, numskull!
LOUIE: Does he have to know? A little secret. Just between you, me and Bill, I reckon. I'm good at keeping secrets, remember Artie?
ARTIE: Yeah, I remember.
LOUIE (examines his handy work): Nice, very nice.
ARTIE: Ah fuck!
LOUIE: Just settle, Artie. You need to be focussed.
ARTIE: I know
LOUIE: Calm, Artie, dead calm
ARTIE: Yeah
LOUIE: A big day
ARTIE: Yeah
LOUIE: You're going places
ARTIE: Yeah
LOUIE: You look pale, Artie, something on your mind
ARTIE: Should there be?
LOUIE: Not unless you've done something you shouldn't have
ARTIE: Louie, I'm gonna smash your rotten face in one of these day. I told you, everything's fine with me and the boss
LOUIE: Good!
ARTIE: Dig some more. You got the gun?
LOUIE: Course I got it. I even loaded it for yah. (hands gun to Artie who puts in in his pocket) What's he think he's coming here for?
ARTIE (smiling): Something to his advantage
LOUIE: Boss must be mighty upset to want to kill him. You sure you got this right?
ARTIE: I'm sure
LOUIE: Nah - I says you don’t knock off a brother - that's family - you send him away
ARTIE: Reckons he knows who knocked off the bullion and reckons to do something about it
LOUIE: Weren't you with Bill on that job?
ARTIE: Yeah, a fucking mess for all concerned. Why?
LOUIE: Nothing. Thought you liked Bill?
ARTIE: Betrayal has a price - even in that family
LOUIE: Suppose it does. Not good though - a brother. Family's family
ARTIE (laughs): You're such a romantic, Louie. Remember what I always told you: business is business! Bill fucked up big time and no one is listening to his excuses - the schmuck had it coming
LOUIE: You're a hard man, Artie - hard words. You ain't killed in a while? You still got the ticker?
ARTIE: I've got the gun (feels his jacket pocket)
LOUIE (smiling): You always were tough with that pistol in your hand, big boy
ARTIE (smiles): So watch your step, punk
LOUIE (laughs): Yes, Sir! So who's taking over Bill's patch when the deed is done?
ARTIE: I might
LOUIE: Boss agreed?
ARTIE: Hinted
LOUIE: Ah!
ARTIE: Ah what?
LOUIE: Ah! You building your dreams on that - not even a promise, Artie. A hint?
ARTIE: What the fuck would you know - all you do is dig in the shit, little man. Your ambition's like your dick: small, Artie ... and it don't stay up long
LOUIE: No need to get personal, Artie. Why you become so nasty?
ARTIE: I got dreams, Louie
LOUIE: Yeah, I remember, you and your 'ruthless dreams' . Somebody else always pays
ARTIE: That was a long time ago
LOUIE: Yeah, I remember. You weren't always so nasty, Artie
ARTIE: Life makes you nasty, Louie, if you want to get on. I told you that a long time ago, remember
LOUIE: I don't remember so long ago, sweetheart
ARTIE: No? Well I remember: you and ambition just don't flow the same ways. Me? I can taste it, Louie, on my lips
LOUIE: Let's hope it don't taste too bitter when you kiss it close up
ARTIE: Ah, you got not understanding ... big thoughts are wasted on you, punk.
LOUIE: Actions, Artie, I deal with actions. And I understand you pretty well, sweetheart. This looks deep enough. I think I’ll lay the old bones in a nice pattern to the side - kinda put a halo round our boy. Very nice
ARTIE: Louie, you ain't preparing some archaeological find. Finished?
LOUIE: Close to - you want to hop in? Bill's about your size
ARTIE: No thank you. You can live in that shit - I'm doing my job and then it's up to you, dirt man
LOUIE: No help with the stiff? You are a precious parcel, Artie. Sure your nerves are up for it
ARTIE: Of course they are. I'm going for the big prize. More of everything. I want it all
LOUIE: You and lover boy moving up town?
ARTIE: Why not?
LOUIE: Ah, but Artie, are you up for it, you with your delicate health - the high life might kill you?
ARTIE: Shut that fucking mouth of yours you sad dwarf or I'll plug you as well
LOUIE: Don't get jumpy, sweetheart. Staying alive is enough vision for me!
(Lights - sound of car pulling up. Lights out - door closing)
ARTIE: Ssh - that's him - stay out of sight until you hear me fire
LOUIE: Ok Artie, you're the man. Good luck
ARTIE: No luck needed, Louie, I'm riding high - no more low level action, no more putting up with smart arse punks like you
LOUIE: Charming! If I don't see you no more, mr high and mighty, I wish you luck. Have a long and fruitful life …. mr big dick!
ARTIE: Ssh - down. Get out the other side. Cover me, just in case.
(slow whistling sound is heard off stage. Torch light follows
Louie pokes his head up from the grave - Artie pushes his head down. Bill saunters in. Tall man in a suit)
BILL: Hello Artie
ARTIE: Hello Bill
BILL: You got something for me
ARTIE: Yeah a message from the Boss
(pulls gun out - pulls trigger - no shot - no ammunition Bill takes out his gun)
ARTIE: What the fuck!
BILL: No bullets, Artie. You always were bad with the background checks. The boss wants you to know that he forgives us both, Artie, but a debt is a debt. I gotta leave - but one last job before I go.
(offstage voice singing - O Sole Mio)
ARTIE: Louie! Louie!
BILL: He can't hear you - he just shovels the shit, remember. Double jeopardy, Artie - you just ain't clever enough for it. We thought we'd get you before the cancer did
ARTIE: What - but I'm cured!
BILL: Nah - doc just told you that
ARTIE: Louie!
BILL: Did you really think you could fool the boss with that turncoat routine. You stitched me up nicely, you bastard!
ARTIE: You! You! You!
BILL: You what?
ARTIE: You fucking double crosser. You said we wouldn't get caught
BILL: Yeah, well, I'm not as smart as I thought, stupid. I get to give the money back - and I get to live
ARTIE: Louie, save me!
BILL: He ain't no use. He might have saved you once, but you turned on him. Broke his heart, Artie
ARTIE: What the fuck.
BILL: Sweet revenge, all round, I reckon. You've got not real time left, Artie. Kinda funny: Death chasing death! So take it like a man
ARTIE: No
BILL: You'll soon be dead, anyway
ARTIE: No
BILL: You die, I live. Simple mathematics. The family keeps its honour. Any shame dies with you. All those big dreams? Dead in the ground. Your time's up, Artie. (goes to pull trigger)
ARTIE: No! No!
BILL: Bye, bye, you stupid bastard.
(Fires and kills Artie - Silence - Bill puts his gun back in his jacket. Coolly survey's the scene. Louie enters slowly - sees Bill - sees the body - they exchange a nod. Bill leaves)
LOUIE: I told you I'd dig a nice grave, sweetheart. Family is family. No more ruthless dreams, Artie. You're gonna be nice and warm
(Louie - pulls Artie along by his feet towards the grave)
LOUIE: In my heart forever
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